Here is happiness--one and one making one.
Although the camera says October, this is Thanksgiving 2001--right after Harvey bought me the house of my dreams--our Queen Anne. Daniel was a junior in high school. Raleigh was 4 years old. We were so much in love and so excited about our new "1880s" house. And we were happily married; in nearly every photograph I have of Harvey he flaunted that wedding ring. (Part of it was that he had such beautiful hands and liked to show them off, but he also liked being married).
Now our little yellow house is no longer the house of my dreams. It needs much work, but I'm making progress. Daniel is a junior in college, living and working on his own. Raleigh is in eighth grade, making straight A's, in all-district band, and dating. Daniel and Raleigh are both growing in delight and wisdom, growing up.
This photo marks a turning point. Three months later, we moved into the house where I now sit. Right after that, I started getting sick--lupus, kidney problems, and all the depression that comes with chronic illness/not feeling normal. The steroids that were required made me gain a lot of weight. (And not just the steroids--so did Doritos and all the wonderful meals we cooked in our tiny kitchen).
Four years after this photo, Harvey had a heart attack. He made an amazing recovery and had no permanent heart damage. Four years after that, I had a series of strokes, after which Harvey took incredible care of me. He helped me walk and relearn how to balance. He helped me learn to read and remember more than a paragraph at a time. He helped me relearn to type when the fingers of my left hand didn't work. He helped me learn to hold a pencil and to articulate my thoughts again. No one else would have done that for me. I am able to walk for miles now. Except for not being able to garden (lupus requires me to limit the time I'm out in the sun), I've made a full recovery from everything. Today, I can also announce that I have officially lost all of the weight. I weigh what I did when I had Raleigh 13-1/2 years ago. For that I'm thankful. I can now wear clothing that I haven't been able to wear for nearly a decade. I'm going to wear my oldest pair of Levis today and still have room for pumpkin cheesecake.
What will happen 2 years from now (the next four year cycle)? I can't imagine...
Harvey this year died, for no discernible reason. Not even an autopsy can tell us why I lost my only love; our children, their father; his students, their beloved gifted/talented teacher; his friends, their most steadfast and ardent supporter. Parts of me died along with him. I know that. I (somewhat) accept that. Although 23 years wasn't a long time, I'm thankful that I had Harvey as long as I did. And look at that smile--he was happy. I was happy. We made each other happy. He was the making of me.
I'm trying my best not to be sad today, but it's hard. Today all words are plebeian.
Wonderful husband, amazing teacher, artist extraordinaire--I will never forget you.
This is my beloved and this is my friend.
2 comments:
Long after the facts, I bring flowers and a casserole, quiet sitting and tears.
Thank you, Marylinn. This is a day that the sorrow is fresh. I never know what morning will bring mourning and what morning just means another day in a pendant of days.
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