Saturday, December 31, 2011

On New Year's Eve, I Light the Last Lucifer


Burning the Old Year

BY NAOMI SHIHAB NYE
Letters swallow themselves in seconds.
Notes friends tied to the doorknob,
transparent scarlet paper,
sizzle like moth wings,
marry the air.

So much of any year is flammable,
lists of vegetables, partial poems.
Orange swirling flame of days,
so little is a stone.

Where there was something and suddenly isn’t,
an absence shouts, celebrates, leaves a space.
I begin again with the smallest numbers.

Quick dance, shuffle of losses and leaves,
only the things I didn’t do
crackle after the blazing dies.

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Helen Frankenthaler, A Green Thought in a Green Shade, 1981




This is one of my favorite paintings. It's also one of the few paintings that's inspired by a poem (rather than a poem written in ekphrastic style). The poem is Andrew Marvell's "The Garden, which you can read here: http://www.luminarium.org/sevenlit/marvell/garden.htm
I hope some day to write a poem that accurately captures a painting to the degree that Frankenthaler captured Marvell's poem.


Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Post Cleave: Annotated with Arrows


O you whom I often and silently come where you are that I may be with you,
As I walk by your side or sit near or remain in the same room with you,
LIttle you know the subtle electric fire that for your sake is playing within me.

This snippet from Leaves of Grass I found in Harvey's journal from the first year that we were married (1987). Afterward is some of the most beautiful writing that I have ever read about one person's love for another. It would probably make this blog carry a NC-17 rating to post it, yet I'm glad to read it.

I was truly loved, before I was even able to understand what love is. I have a glimmering now...because I live in a world where love isn't. With a son who's just become engaged (YAY), a daughter who's preoccupied with being 14 and establishing her own identity, and parents who are still lucky enough to have each other after 57 years of marriage (they've been sweethearts since the ages of 14 and 13), I don't really fit in anywhere.

I am an adjunct in teaching and I am an adjunct in the lives of others. I don't have anywhere to make a profession right now. And no one really needs me.

Every day I ask myself these questions:
  • How did I have such a love?
  • Why did I lose such a love?
  • What did the universe gain by taking Harvey away from me?
  • Does he miss me? Does he see me? Do I make him proud?
  • Why don't I dream of him? Or if I dream of him, why don't I remember my dreams?
I have prayed and fretted and cried and yelled and written and recited all the possibilities and I just don't know about #2, 3, 4, and 5. (I understand the first one. Harvey was able to show philia, eros, and agape, the three dimensions of love, at the same time, to the same person, without losing his sense of himself and his art. Is it because he was a sculptor first and foremost that made him understand multiple dimensions, multiple depths? I don't have any sense of a three-dimensional self, not what Whitman had, what Harvey had. Is it an XY thing? How do I change my creative DNA? Will there be love--or poems--again? Is everything going to be linear, the point before, the flat line between, then the ending point?)

I am an airplane in a stall, and I am the meadow awaiting its flaming descent. I am a meteor burning through space, and I am the crater it pounds into the earth.

What I'm not doing is writing. Reading poetry and writing it are just too hard this week.

Say a little prayer--or even a big one--for me. I miss my desk and my journal. I hate my desk and my journal. Equal measures, yin and yang, solar and lunar eclipse, umbra and penumbra without alpha, without omega.

If a sundial measures "only the enlightened hours," then I am the shadow that falls across its face.

What do I do next? How much more resolute can I be this New Year?

Sunday, December 25, 2011

Saturday, December 24, 2011

From Manger to This Is My Body

The skin's just a slipcover for the skeleton, and this 14th-century rosary reminds us that we need to remember our armature, what holds us upright. Rumi is one of the poets who hold me upright, whose words I hold to my heart. Here's a little Christmas thought:

A Christmas Story

The son of Mary, Jesus, hurries up a slope
as though a wild animal were chasing him.
Someone following him asks, "Where are you going?
No one is after you. Are you the one
who says words over a dead person, so that
he wakes up?" I am. "Who then could possibly
cause you to run like this?" Jesus explains.

I say the Great Name over the deaf and the blind;
they are healed. Over a stony mountainside
and it tears its mantle down to the navel.
But when I speak lovingly for hours with those
who take human warmth and mock it, when I say the Name
to them, nothing happens. They remain rock,
or turn to sand. Other diseases are ways for mercy
to enter, but this nonresponding breeds violence
and coldness toward God. I am fleeing from that. As
little by little air steals water, so praise
dries up and evaporates with foolish people who refuse to
change. Like cold stone you sit on, a cynic steals
body heat. He does not feel the sun.
Jesus was not running
from anything. He was teaching in a new way.

(translation, Coleman Barks, from The Essential Rumi)

I resolve to teach in a new way. I resolve to head toward the unknown, rather than fleeing. I resolve to carve out a space for compassion. If Jesus teaches me anything isn't it first to love myself, then to love my neighbor, and to realize by doing this I'm honoring God, loving Him with all my heart and soul and strength by loving what He has made--my neighbor, myself?

I'm not very good at love, but I'm better than I used to be. For my New Year's resolution, I ask that I can show someone else the type of love I've been shown, the type of love I've learned.

Help me. Thank you. Help me thank you.

Friday, December 23, 2011

Blue Father Christmas with Sparkles and Straw



The presents are purchased, the tree is lit, and the Siamese hasn't eaten a single ornament.

My antique postcards wait in an album for my enjoyment on Christmas Eve, when Raleigh and I will wrap gifts and eat chocolate and twirl peppermint canes on our fingers. I'll probably cry a little more, but for now I'm all cried out. There's no understanding how much I dread the night before the night before Christmas, when Harvey and I always had a date.

I bought a beautiful red dress but don't have the heart to wear it, even if it is--ahem--a size 10, just like I used to wear back in the 20th century. I guess I can pretend to wear it on New Year's Eve, even if I don't have the place to wear it then, either. I canceled my New Year's Eve date. In fact, I have called off dating this particular person. In general, and in its specifics, dating truly sucks. I met someone who liked me but hated kids--not specifically mine--any kids. Because my one true desire--besides the Harvey book being published--is to be a grandmother, this relationship was doomed. I didn't like the high-school stress of it, either. I don't want to pretend to like someone. I want to like someone again--to have conversations about art and Aristotle and poetry and physics and gardening and God and fairy tales and frescoes and geography and goldfish--and I just didn't like conversations about nothing but politics and the past. (This was someone I had known in college; one of us hadn't changed and the other had changed too much).

I know that this makes me a bad girlfriend candidate and maybe even a bad person. Many of my friends, both married and single, remind me that I am too old to be picky. I think that maybe I'm just too picky to be old, because I don't care about looks or money, and I do care about kindness and intellect. Is that such a weird perspective?

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Although it's been said, many times, many ways...




Merry Christmas to you!

Here's a post from 6 years ago, this date. I cannot believe how different my life was. This year's tree has only 100 ornaments on its 6-feet frame. It's beautiful, but it's not a Harv tree.

Nothing in my life but my children and my poems are Harv reminders these days. To write I miss him is the lowest form of understatement. My broken arms will never be whole, never be wholly around anyone else.

Meme-meme-meme-meme-meme (5 random facts)
1. I have a vintage dress in a crossword-puzzle print. It was my grandmother's and dates from the late 20s/early 30s. I think this dress started my obsession with Art Deco (See #2).
2. My Bakelite bracelet collection includes rhinestones, end-of-day, swirl, clasp, chain, polkadots, carved, apple-juice, tricolor, creamsicle, rope, and inlaid mother-of-pearl. Unfortunately, there's no Pierrot bracelet--at least not yet. Harvey and I also have a Bakelite radio that works.
3. Our 10-foot Christmas tree this year has over 2500 ornaments on it. This is not even half of Harvey's collection. He is a total Christmas fiend. When the sales clerks at Hallmark see him, they wish they were paid on commission. I've never met anyone else who loves holidays as he does. He likes to decorate for Halloween, Easter, Thanksgiving, Valentine's Day, Fourth of July--you name it, he celebrates it. Harvey even made me a pin for Groundhog Day.
4. My son and my daughter were both published authors before the age of 12. Daniel won a national contest for short fiction when he was 11.
5. I've caught a tiger shark before. I still cannot believe I landed it. It was a baby, but still--a SHARK?



Sunday, December 18, 2011

Joni Mitchell, "River"



It's coming on Christmas, and I wish I had a river.

I wish you joy, I wish you peace, and I wish you love.

And for the Radish King, Queen Bee of Beethoven Day, I wish you a little Robert Downey, Jr.



Saturday, December 17, 2011

Poets and Artists, Issue #30

On pages 48 and 49 of this fine journal, I have an ekphrastic poem. (Click on the image and flip through to read). As always, I am honored to be among the poets and writers Didi chooses for her beautiful magazine.

(PS The baby Jesus is in there, appropriately enough for this Advent season. And so is the tesselated crucifix).



Friday, December 16, 2011

Poetry Sucks! A Night of Poetry, Music and Bad Language

I went down to Nashville to run errands for my family and meet up with the fabulous Nickole Brown, Heather Foster, Jacklyn Dre Marceau, and Chet Weise, where I planned to be a member of the audience, rooting for Nickole, Jacklyn, and Daniel Pujols to read their stuff. Nickole, however, became ill and had to cancel, so I was invited to pinch hit. To a standing room crowd/packed bar/grill at Dino's in Nashville. To a room of people expecting Nickole and her virtuosity.

I didn't even have my newest poems. Or my chapbooks. Or even high heels.

Poems were printed, a copy of my first chapbook was excavated, and I made it to the microphone. The audience was generous, and Jacklyn and Daniel were really, really good.

I read my new poems for Harv. Some people seemed very moved. (I think sometimes it's better to be authentic than to have a big stage presence or a virtuoso voice--although I wish I had both. This was a huge compliment to these poems, which are my latest love letters to Harvey).

Chet was an amazing host, and it was great to see MFA folks again.

Here's a photo of me, with the Pabst halo making me look as though I'm some sort of redneck Giotto:

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Stille, Still




Last night I dreamed a dream whose palette was these colors, these tints, and I dreamed that I was holding Harvey to me by his curls, and I spoke these words in French, which are Baudelaire's (but not really Baudelaire's):

Je veux longtemps plonger mes doigts tremblants
Dans l'épaisseur de ta crinière lourde


(I want to plunge my trembling fingers
Like swords into the thicket of your hair--translation by me)

When I awakened, I was lost. When I awakened, I was cold. When I awakened, I longed for Lethe.

I clench your name in my teeth like the obolus for Charon. Nothing but Death can take it from me.

(I look in the mirror and see what Sylvia saw in "Mirror": I see wrinkles and dark circles and quite a bit more than a bit of Medusa. And I care--but not very much--because who would want me anyway, with all this depression that just won't stop. I bought a red dress and from the shoulders down I guess I pass, but I need a Sleeping Beautyrest type of sleep).

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Mittelschmerz and the Manger



Is this some secular annunciation, and/or a painterly form of radiography: An interior scene of the female body outside its swaddling clothes, with the halo of the egg, not in the ovary/tube but also inside out?

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Richard Manuel - You Dont Know Me - Tokyo 1983



It's one of the songs I associate with Christmas, especially December 1986 (when I was so sure that I would never fall in love, ever). Despite my misgivings the Band goes on the playlist of An Idiosyncratic I-Pod Christmas.

Sunday, December 04, 2011

"The Secret of Poetry is Cruelty," Jon Anderson


To the Roaring Wind--Wallace Stevens

What syllable are you seeking,
Vocalissimus,
In the distances of sleep?
Speak it.

_______________________________________

Western Wind--Anonymous

Western wind, when will thou blow
The small rain down can rain?
Christ, if my love were in my arms
And I in my bed again!


I'm just an empty valise these days, an empty vase, an empty as.

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

This Day in History: November 30, 1869--The Folies Bergere


Once a hall for operettas, pantomime, political meetings, and vaudeville, the Folies BergĆØre in Paris introduces an elaborate revue featuring women in sensational costumes. The highly popular "Place aux Jeunes" established the Folies as the premier nightspot in Paris. In the 1890s, the Folies followed the Parisian taste for striptease and quickly gained a reputation for its spectacular nude shows. The theater spared no expense, staging revues that featured as many as 40 sets, 1,000 costumes, and an off-stage crew of some 200 people.

The Folies BergĆØre dates back to 1869, when it opened as one of the first major music halls in Paris. It produced light opera and pantomimes with unknown singers and proved a resounding failure. Greater success came in the 1870s, when the Folies BergĆØre staged vaudeville. Among other performers, the early vaudeville shows featured acrobats, a snake charmer, a boxing kangaroo, trained elephants, the world's tallest man, and a Greek prince who was covered in tattoos allegedly as punishment for trying to seduce the Shah of Persia's daughter. The public was allowed to drink and socialize in the theater's indoor garden and promenade area, and the Folies BergĆØre became synonymous with the carnal temptations of the French capital. Famous paintings by Ɖdouard Manet and Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec were set in the Folies.

In 1886, the Folies BergĆØre went under new management, which, on November 30, staged the first revue-style music hall show. The "Place aux Jeunes," featuring scantily clad chorus girls, was a tremendous success. The Folies women gradually wore less and less as the 20th century approached, and the show's costumes and sets became more and more outrageous. Among the performers who got their start at the Folies BergĆØre were Yvette Guilbert, Maurice Chevalier, and Mistinguett. The African American dancer and singer Josephine Baker made her Folies debut in 1926, lowered from the ceiling in a flower-covered sphere that opened onstage to reveal her wearing a G-string ornamented with bananas.

The Folies BergĆØre remained a success throughout the 20th century and still can be seen in Paris today, although the theater now features many mainstream concerts and performances. Among other traditions that date back more than a century, the show's title always contains 13 letters and includes the word "Folie."

____

Acrobats. Bananas. Cakewalks. Drink. Elephants. Folies. G-strings. Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec. Indoor gardens. Josephine Baker. Kangaroos. Lounge Lizards. Manet. Night owls. Outrage. Politics. Quelque-chose. Revues. Skin. Tattoos. Unsuccessful seduction. Vaudeville. Women at work. Xoxo. Yvette Guilbert. Zebras.

A whole alphabet of wonders. Folies pour moi. See, I even kept the 13!

I write this as a journal is attempting to publish my "Born Toulouse" poem. (I can't believe that with its weird formatting, anyone ever will publish it. The opening stanzas are in the shape of a Lautrec poster's caption).

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

From Harvey's Journal--More Whitman

from TO A STRANGER

Your body has become not yours only nor left my body mine only,
You give me the pleasure of your eyes, face, flesh, as we pass, you take of my beard, breast, hands, in return,
I am not to speak to you, I am to think of you when I sit alone or wake at night alone,
I am to wait, I do not doubt I am to meet you again,
I am to see to it that I do not lose you.


(These lines were copied in your 1986 sketchbook, right after we met the first time, and you inked in a sketch of my face next to it. The sketch looks just like the 28-year-old version of me, the unhappy version.

What did you see in my face that wasn't yet there? How did you know I could learn to be happy? How did you know you could teach me?)

I want so badly to believe that those final lines will be true again. I try so hard to see you, to make you palpable in poems. I'm doing my best, sweetheart. I am. I am. I am.

I know you'd be excited about this, which will be out in 2012. It's available for preorder from Amazon. (My poem is the weirdest one, which would make you inordinately proud. I put in Alice, Oz, thrift stores, family Bibles, canaries, everything I could).




Sunday, November 27, 2011

Hope Chest or Pandora's Box?


"Well, when I had reached this period of silence, I was forced into a measure that no one ever adopts voluntarily: I was impelled to think. God, was it difficult! The moving about of great secret trunks. In the first exhausted halt, I wondered whether I had ever thought." F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Crack-Up

I have an attic full of suitcases, leather ones that I love; I have my grandmother's hope chest. Should I pack up? Pack it in? Open it and see what waits among the sachets and pomanders?

This new poem simmers.


Thursday, November 24, 2011

Intermission Between Dressing and Undressing: Thanksgiving

I am thankful for Harvey, every day, and in every way. I hope he knows how very much I still love him. I've only fallen in love once, and it was with my husband. We had such beautiful conversations, made such beautiful love and babies, and just delighted in each other.

Without him, there's no delight, but there's still light. It's dark but not pitch black. Maybe crepuscular is the word.

Sometimes, though, I'll see something he'd have loved, and I have to buy it (an old atlas), or read it (A Child's Book of Clowns), or share it with you all. Here's the latest find:

Harvey and I differed over what sounds animals make, and he and I sparred often over the exact transcription of their cries and scurries. Here's a great picture that would have added hours to the debate, courtesy of 50 Watts.


Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Happy Thanksgiving


Of all the things for which I'm thankful, love is first. I wish you much love and a little dancing.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

"It's a Poor Sort of Memory That Only Works Backward."


Gratitude Journal: Looking forward to January

1. Lariat of rhinestones (Haskell) that graces my art deco statue in the living room and will soon rope my neck. A thrift shop find, $3.
2. Black velvet dress that fits me not quite so tightly as a glove, but within horseshoe distance of clingy. A thrift shop find, brand new, at $7.
3. My trusty Manolos, which look as good now as they did 7 years ago. I have no idea what they cost but am sure that it was under three digits.
4. Diamond earrings. Sparkly as #1, and genuine. A gift from Harvey.
5. Day at the spa to proceed the donning of numbers 1 through 4. I can already imagine my muscles al dente, my face unworried, and my toenails pomegranate. A win from a local radio station. Cost: 12 years of piano lessons and 30 years of transcription, which together equal the fastest fingers on the phone dial.

(Looking forward to looking backward: Priceless.

For those of you who think that I'm crazy to plan to look this good without a date: If I would contrive to be glamorous for Harvey--and we did, once a year, look as elegant as possible--I should be willing to still look this good for him, because somewhere, somehow, he sees me.

Also, I have a date: January 10, 1987. Twenty five years ago, our first date. The one I don't remember accepting. The one where I kissed H. good night, and he wrecked his car on the way home. The one where I began to get a glimmer of what Harvey already knew: This is the one. Or, as the gulls echo in Finding Nemo: Mine, mine, mine).

Saturday, November 19, 2011

I have a little shadow who goes in and out with me....




I am exhausted (stress) and tired (lupus), but most of the time today I feel good, because of a beautiful personal rejection letter from Plume over some of the Harvey poems. I agree with the editors of this and several other journals that these poems really aren't a good fit for a journal; I do think they fit together in the manuscript, which is finished but not polished with beeswax. I await Phil's comments. Not yet.

Gratitude Journal/Fear Journal (Me/My Shadow Self)

1. That I have enough money. That I have to pay my taxes which are late, and the IRS will hound me. I forgot them, who forgot how to fly. (Sorry, Nancy Willard, for the mimicry).
2. That I have lost weight. That I cannot afford anything with price tags. I have lost 7 or 8 sizes and hope I'm done. I would like to have one beautiful red dress to celebrate this accomplishment.
3. That I am comfortable alone. That I will be alone all my life and I will forget how to love.
4. That I found an awesome lariat of rhinestones. That I will never have a sparkly place to wear it.
5. That I love my HUM class. That I will never again be the workshop teacher I once was. I am out of love with cheerleading for poesy.
6. That I have two jobs. That I will always have two jobs.
7. That my children are great. That my children are great and can get along without me just fine.
8. That my parents are healthy. That I still care more about what they think of me than what I think of myself, which is unhealthy in the extreme.
9. That Harvey loved me. That one day I am going to have my nervous breakdown. Grieving gets worse, not better.
10. That I have faith. That "I Cannot Rise with You/Because Your Face Would put out Jesus' " makes perfect sense.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Maria Callas - Lady Macbeth's Letter Scene (Studio Recording, Score Anim...



I have always thought the way to play many of Shakespeare's women is to bring to the fore their sex appeal. For some reason, I have never seen an actress approach the role of Desdemona as though she were a sexual being--and wouldn't she have to be?

Lady Macbeth is, and Callas captures this.

Monday, November 14, 2011

Camille Saint-Saƫns - Danse Macabre



I mailed out my manuscript today, and it's haunting me. What more could I do? What didn't I do?

This music haunts me, too. It was one of my four senior piano recital pieces, and it's one of the few I still play. All of the slow pieces left me, but all of the fast ones still reside in my fingers. I am more E flat and A these days.

Danse Macabre

12 strikes of the clock and it begins; the cock of the crow and then it ends.

I really want a piano again. I'd take better care of my scales now.

Sunday, November 06, 2011

Andrea Bocelli- Con te Partiro



It's time. A quarter of a century ago, my life was started. I can always say it was beautiful. I can finally say it was.

Once: A Cappella

(I was there, insists the self).

Surprising, so sufficient
In the silence, just enough
Luster for them

To be seen, street light
Falling in bars across the bed,
In wavering

Curving clefs across their
Bodies, right now they are so
Lovely: lovers,

Light—lying face to
Face, working the long seam
Between them, blurring

Becoming faceless,
Facelessly beautiful,
A music of lilting

Ribs, torsos all thrust
And ache. (I really was there,
Insists the self.

Insists, insists).

This poem was originally published in Soundzine. Go to the link above and scroll down to hear the amazing Nic Sebastian read "Once."

Saturday, November 05, 2011

The Uncertainty of the Poet, De Chirico



I finished my book. It's good. That's the Genesis part.

I have had a long period of silence. That's the Malachi part.

I have looked back and remembered as much as I can about Harvey. That's the Matthew part.

I don't know what to do now. That's the part where I ask for Revelation.

What I do know: Bananas are radioactive. Aphrodite's torso is torqued--and it also lasts. Basho named himself after bananas. Aphrodite married a sculptor, who, nettled by her, netted her. Bananas are the largest flowering herb. Aphrodite's cult flowered and withered. Bananas are sweetest when they're old. Perhaps the most beautiful of Aphrodites is Redon's. Bananas emerge from their skins, which are easily bruised and broken. Aphrodite emerges from white foam, from marble, from the earth that covers her broken temple. She is broken.

I have a half-life.

I am not fruitful.

I will return to the sea.

Monday, October 31, 2011

Franz Schubert: "Coronach"



I have finished my book of elegies; it's in the mail to my most trusted teacher. I made it as good as I could, as heartfelt as I could, as it is my last love letter to Harvey. Twenty-five years ago this week, we met for the first time. We were married less than six months later, three months after our first date. He's been dead nearly 16 months.

I don't want to share these elegies just yet, even though one has been in print--and one is coming out in Best New Poets. (We have received our galleys for the book--mine is the only prose poem. ????!!!!????).

Instead of posting an elegy, here's some Schubert for you; I needed it today. A coronach is a keening, and I feel the loss of Harvey--and what I was when I was with him--very keenly indeed.


Tuesday, October 25, 2011

"Live Oak with Moss" (from Whitman's Calamus)



2.

I SAW in Louisiana a live-oak growing,
All alone stood it, and the moss hung down from the
branches,
Without any companion it grew there, uttering joyous
leaves of dark green,
And its look, rude, unbending, lusty, made me think of
myself,
But I wondered how it could utter joyous leaves,
standing alone there, without its friend, its lover
near—for I knew I could not,
And I broke off a twig with a certain number of leaves
upon it, and twined around it a little moss,
And brought it away—and I have placed it in sight in
my room,
It is not needed to remind me as of my own dear
friends,
(For I believe lately I think of little else than of them,)
Yet it remains to me a curious token—it makes me think
of manly love;
For all that, and though the live-oak glistens there in
Louisiana, solitary, in a wide flat space,
Uttering joyous leaves all its life, without a friend, a
lover, near,
I know very well I could not.
______

Harvey wrote the lines "uttering joyous leaves all its life, without a friend, a lover near. I know very well I could not." He drew two live oaks intertwined, and hidden in each tree, comprising each scrimshaw branch, in tiny calligraphy, are our names. (It's his way of carving a heart and putting our initials in it. Did I mention he was a romantic?)

He never had to...and how did he know that?
______

Prayer: Walt Whitman

O great grey poet
whose beard itself is Spanish
moss perpended from

that face I love; o
lover of men, lover of
women, as now I

revisit my own
amputation--o how can
I? do I? will I?

Friday, October 21, 2011

Checklistless


Today I'm wearing Harvey's navy cashmere sweater, which is certainly older than our marriage. I remember him draping it over my shoulders when I was shivering at the lake on our first picnic--we were dating then. This sweater still smells a little bit like cigarettes and sugar cookies. Soon it will have to be dry cleaned and I will never have that tantalizing scent of tobacco and vanilla and simple sweetness again--but I have it tonight. I thought I had lost everything that smelled of Harvey, and to find this has been a real blessing. I would rather have this scent than the biggest bottle of Chanel No. 5 or Joy.

It's too hard to start over...but I start over every morning. Every day brings with it a little startle, because I still expect to see Harvey first thing, just as Shadow still runs down the steps whenever he hears keys rattling in the door. He looks so surprised when it's just Raleigh, or infrequently Dan. It's never whom Shadow adored best. And I am a shadow of myself, as well. I cry every day going to teach and every day coming home, because there is no one who smiles when I walk through the door, and there is no one to kiss hello, or goodbye. There's no one who gets excited about my Elizabeth Bishop punctuation discoveries, no one who commiserates when the Paradise Lost lesson becomes the Boredom Found class period and my students' catatonia is so evident that even I see it.

My Mammaw used to say, "If God didn't make little green apples...she'd still find a way to bellyache." And I am belly aching and heart aching and lag-a-bed-and-whine aching. It seems as though all I do is cry and complain: I am a regular dormouse in a too-big sweater, with a box of Kleenex at the ready.

Wasn't this supposed to be over in a year? 15 months, 1 week, 4 hours and 52 minutes.

It's never going to be over, and it already is.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Pablo + Tillie Equals Poem



I've been reordering my manuscript to send to my old teacher, and I found this poem, which was sparked by this Picasso and by Tillie Olsen's magnificent story. I post a link to it here today, to remind myself that yes, you can finish a poem.

PS I love this Picasso--you can already tell he's going to crack two dimensions in his search for the third. I also didn't realize this was part of the Stieglitz collection. Even though it probably isn't, the woman looks like O'Keefe.

Sunday, October 09, 2011

Forgiveness: Yom Kippur

I feel shriven. I have asked for forgiveness for the promises that I have made that I haven't kept. I have extended forgiveness to those who have broken promises and vows to me. I hope that these broken promises are truly erased and not palimpsests that will arise like floaters in spring....If love is an action and requires willpower sometimes, then forgiveness may be, too!

Thursday, October 06, 2011

Stroke, Stroke, Stricken--5 minute freewriting




I FALL AT THE MOVIES, CAN'T GET UP, FLATLINE FOR NINETY SECONDS

Every breath, every beat, every inspiration, every expiration, every systole, every diastole--caesura. Cannot breathe. Remember to breathe. Time ran down like an old phonograph.

Oxygen level 0. Ambu. Stay with me, stay with me, lady.


Oxygen and iron, blood. Oxygen and iron, rust. Iron Lung. So this is the dust that passes...Why can't I say the words?

Halo. Halo. Elf me.


I come from a long line of glassblowers; glass may look solid but it's still liquid, this art that makes you catch your breath. Each second burns, the bellows of my lungs fan the flames, my heart pumps--Up in the air and down--so why won't my left side--the sinister one--why then won't it o.

Back, she's back.

Where? From where? To what?

_____

(Nancy Willard's "Questions My Son Asked, Answers I Never Gave Him;" Stanley Plumly's "Iron Lung;" Robert Louis Stevenson's "The Swing" are referenced; these are actual lines of poetry that were going through my head in the Maiden Alley Cinema when I had my "serious" stroke).

Wednesday, October 05, 2011

Best of the Net Nomination/Blue Fifth Review

I am so happy and pleased by this nomination for "In Ictu Oculi," which is one of the first of my new poems that honor Harvey. I hope he would be proud of this.

Here's the poem:

In Ictu Oculi

“Sorrow is my own yard.”
William Carlos Williams, “The Widow’s Lament in Springtime”

My irises are blue,

Last November when weather was balmy,
Unexpected, sabres slashed up through
A scrim of gold gingko leaves; in early

milky with cataracts; still

December the last iris unfurled
Its frills, sinuous scallops bisected
Central from ciliary—blue ink pearled

I should have seen

From your fountain pen, blue lines crisscrossing
Your atlas, blue veins traversing your wrist.
An unseasonal gift that Christmas morning:

the cyanotic nails, looked

Blossom on the white wicker tray—the vase
That held the last iris was delicate,
A milky blue. “There’ll be more,” you said, “next

closely at your hands,

Spring. We’ll have iris for years and years.” Blades
Of green slice through the earth this autumn,
Your ashes in winter’s bedded gardens.

not what they held.

(for Harvey, 1964-2010)


Tuesday, October 04, 2011

Time Past and Time Present: An Interior



Catalog with Illustrations

by Marvin Bell

The beauty of an old desk blotter where ink stains grew into the shapes of ships in a turbulent ocean,
and the ticking of the clock in the sunlight thickened by dust.
The clacking of the typewriter keys, the big zipper sound of the carriage return,
and the sound of the struck bell muffled in the drapes.
The air was rich with time, when there was still time.
The letter ripened slowly in the typewriter.
The minute hand took a second to move one digit.
Under the glass that covered the desktop, a map and family photos.

"Catalog with Illustrations" by Marvin Bell, from Rampant. © Copper Canyon Press, 2004

______

There was time back then, and time was circular, not digital. Antemeridian, postmeridian, second hand and minute hand and the hours circled round each other in a curious gavotte that I took (at the time) for granted. Now Dali's clocks melt into digital quartz on my nightstand, and I want only a clock with hands, I only want your hands.

There's no time for this mourning this morning.

(New York Interior, Edward Hopper)

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Monday, October 03, 2011

Intermissionary Position



I miss Harvey so badly that it just doesn't seem worth going on. But I do. And I don't know how I go, or where I go, just that I go. My children and parents, my friends and teachers and students, I do love you, and I'm sorry that I'm so frustrating. I just don't love this life, the way Harvey loved his life, don't love this world the way Harvey loved his world. But I will try to live in it just a little longer, because he loved it and me.

Tennyson and his damned tears.

Me and my damned undammed tears.

One of my favorite poems begins "And I'm sorry for myself." Now that one's confessional!

Sunday, October 02, 2011

Pendant Poems: Frost and Strand


Canis Major

The great Overdog.
That heavenly beast
With a star in one eye,
Gives a leap in the east.

He dances upright
All the way to the west
And never once drops
On his forefeet to rest.

I'm a poor underdog,
But tonight I will bark
With the great Overdog
That roams through the dark.

Robert Frost

_______

Eating Poetry

Ink runs from the corners of my mouth.
There is no happiness like mine.
I have been eating poetry.

The librarian does not believe what she sees.
Her eyes are sad
and she walks with her hands in her dress.

The poems are gone.
The light is dim.
The dogs are on the basement stairs and coming up.

Their eyeballs roll,
their blond legs burn like brush.
The poor librarian begins to stamp her feet and weep.

She does not understand.
When I get on my knees and lick her hand,
she screams.

I am a new man,
I snarl at her and bark,
I romp with joy in the bookish dark.

________________
Strand's poem depends on the Frost poem, much as a pearl depends on its chain. its lustre against the lustre of a woman's skin.

(Image by Tallmadge Doyle, "Canis Major," linked above. Go see all his work, especially the bee, which I'm saving up to buy).Publish Post