David Bowie - China Girl

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I remember dancing to this with you, innumerable times. You were China White to me, and oh, was I addicted.

I was so beloved, and I was so in love.

How can this be past tense? How can I get past this? I have tried prayer, meditation, writing, therapy (when the therapist cried more than I did), exercise, fasting, more prayer, more meditation, more exercise, dating again, and I just cannot work through the grief of you being gone. I'm so afraid that loss will be the spike in my arm forever.

How do I turn my back on a love like ours? How do I walk into a new relationship with eyes and arms wide open? How do I awaken in the mornings, before I open my eyes, and still (for just a nanosecond) smell you--sugar cookies and cigarette smoke entangled in your curls?

Every time I hear this song, I imagine nothing but you and remember everything, including this, sent 5 hours before you died:

Just once, just once to hold you again, I'd gladly repeat every single hour's torment, if I could have that chance to say a proper goodbye to you, for you to tell me I'm doing the right things with Raleigh, with the house, with the new poems, with my life.

(It isn't proper, such bad writing, such sentiment. You'd say, SSHHSH).

Gratitude journal is private today.